Archive for the ‘Self-Sabotage’ Category

How You Parent Yourself

Posted on Oct 2, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton
Have you ever given thought to how you parent yourself and what your own parent (whether they were physically in your life or not) demonstrated to you about your own sense of self worth?
Notice that I said “sense” of self worth because most of us don’t realize that the way we witness how others interact with us – especially when we’re young and super impressionable  – is how we form our sense of self worth and value in your world.

kidwithson

This doesn’t mean that others give you a sense of value or worth – it’s how you interpret their actions that you make your own assumptions and decisions.  Then, these assumptions get internalized and form beliefs about yourself that most likely still hold true for you today.  
They key thing to realize about parents is – whatever you witnessed not only with how they treated you – but how they treated themselves, got internalized to how you treat you.
This isn’t obvious because most of us make very clear decisions at some point in life to say – I will NEVER be like my mother or father – or both!  Then, you work really hard to become the opposite of them…and you most likely became successful at being the opposite.
Yet, have you ever found yourself saying something to someone else that sounds alot like one of your parents?

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What Is Self Respect?

Posted on Sep 18, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

The other day I realized that I repeated (yet again) a past pattern that has caused me enormous pain and confusion.   theadventurebegins

As I sat there feeling that all too familiar punch in the gut pain, I thought: “Geez, I must not have much self-respect to keep doing this to myself…”.

My head then began to take me on a rollercoaster ride of judgement – where I began to feel worse *thinking* thoughts such as:  “Other stronger, more worldly women would never continually subject themselves to this type of pain.  You must be weak  – and they simply have more self-respect for themselves.”

Ouch.

So, then as I habitually do, I went outside myself to get a better understanding of what the outside world could tell me about self-judgement.  

According to Dictionary.com, self-judgement is defined as:  “proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one’s character.”

Ouch again.

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Self Worth vs. Self Esteem

Posted on Aug 1, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

“When you allow yourself to let-go, success can flow!” 

Do you ever wonder what the difference is between your self-esteem and your self-worth?

Meditating with Rudraksha beads

The two are very closely aligned – like brother and sister are in the bloodline.

Yet, there is also a major distinction to be made between the two – and I’ve discovered this through loads of contemplation and study – and direct experience. So, as a disclaimer, whatever I describe below is based on my own experience and beliefs – and certainly isn’t the only way in which to view the distinction.

Your self-esteem is how you feel about yourself based on your actions. It’s what you have control over. It’s how you feel about yourself from the inside/out. Overall, are you proud of yourself for who you are, what you stand for and what actions you take and don’t take based on the values that you choose to orient your life around?

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Your self-worth, has a much more spiritual bend to it (again, my opinion) because it’s directly related to your identity, your sense of self, your overall feeling of importance and value in this world. Overall, do you feel that you deserve to be here on the earth plane and have the right to take up space – and to be happy within that space you call your life?

The major difference is: Self-esteem is geared towards doing vs. Self-worth is more about being. Both have a tremendous amount of value – and serve very different purposes in your life. They both also work beautifully together when married in their natural energies.

The Truth is: most of the teachings ‘out there’ focus on boosting your self-esteem.

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Conflicting Committments

Posted on Jan 11, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

“The biggest commitment you must keep is the commitment you keep to yourself.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

Our heart’s desires are the things that we’re too ewomanonbeachflowerheadbandmbarrassed or afraid to tell anyone about – so it’s no wonder we worry about that question of Who Do You Think You Are? It’s a question that has a dual connotation – because:
1) we hear it internally from that inner critical voice and

2) we fear hearing it from other people, especially people who are closest to us – and who we fear losing or making feel uncomfortable if we change and transform into a better version of ourSelves.

I read recently that one of the top 6 fears that people have against succeeding in their lives/work is the fear they have of losing love.

How true that fear is – because most of the time we don’t realize that we’re not stepping out because we don’t to make others feel uncomfortable around us.

Maybe it’s our parents who we don’t want to out-succeed. Or maybe it’s an older sibling, or maybe it’s even our spouse – who, for whatever reason, hasn’t claimed their success.

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Giving Your Worth Away

Posted on Nov 16, 2015 | by Brenda Stanton

A photo by Alexander Shustov. unsplash.com/photos/2FrX56QL7P8“Giving your self worth away is like sliding all your power across a table and asking someone else – am I good enough?”

If you really think about it – we’ve all been taught to give our power away and rely on feeling good about ourselves from what others think. As kids we do this with the authority figures in our lives – looking up at them – smaller and shorter – and thinking: Am I enough?

This habit gets transferred to our adult lives in many ways also – not only when it comes to our personal worth – how we feel about ourselves, our capabilities, talents, what we have, don’t have, etc. – but also our spiritual worth – our relationship with Source – our creator.

I had honestly never made the distinction, until recently, between personal worth and spiritual worth – but the distinction does help – especially when you’re a spiritual seeker and in need of deeper answers to where your life is not only going, but what it’s all for.

And, what I find happening with so many, especially in this “New Age” – is carrying the habit of handing power over to others – others who claim to have your answers – others who claim to know where your life is going – and what your destiny is.

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Are You Working Too Hard On Yourself?

Posted on Nov 9, 2015 | by Brenda Stanton

gypsywoman“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” ~Joseph Campbell

While working with my own coach, we were chatting about an area that I feel blocked in.

As any great coach does, many questions later, he called me on my stuff.

“Did you notice what you just said?”

“Ummm, no what?” I replied.

“When I asked you what it is that you truly want to transform in this area – you went right to yourself and said – I’m working on it.”

He went on to say: “Why are you treating yourself as if you’re a project? What if there is absolutely nothing that you need to work on, improve, or do in order to BE who you really are?

I sat there in silence thinking – I’ve probably said the same exact thing to my own coaching clients – but in that moment, it was the loudest Truth I had ever heard.

I’m sharing this example of my own coaching because I think in the New Age era where there are literal Self Help sections in the bookstore – we all need to question – what are we trying to help within ourselves vs. become within ourselves?

In that moment with my coach, I realized a lifetime pattern of treating myself, my life, and whatever was blocking me at that time – as a project – as something that has a start, finish and an end.

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When Your Self Worth Feels Fleeting

Posted on Jul 20, 2015 | by Brenda Stanton

Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. ~Steve Jobs

The other day while googling around, I discovered an empowering and inspirational speech in the unlikeliest (or so I thought) of places and with the unlikeliest (again wrong again) of people – Amy Schumer.  

You most likely know about Amy – she’s comedy’s “it” girl right now.  She has a new movie out called Train Wreck and is seriously one of the funniest (and raunchiest) comedians I’ve ever seen.

 

Yet, as you’ll see in this speech that she gave at the Gloria Awards and Gala – which was hosted by the Ms. Foundation for Women – this woman has lots to say – and, in my opinion, is a true role model for Claiming Your Worth.  

Click Here to read a transcript of the speech. It’s long but so worth the read. Also, *WARNING* if you’re easily offended by some sexual content – and want to skip the back story, simply read my notes below – not as contextual but think you’ll still get lots out of it.  

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Shifting Invisible Patterns

Posted on May 4, 2015 | by Brenda Stanton

“If I could change one thing for women, it would be helping them to believe they have the inner strength they need to make their lives better.” -Alice Domar, Ph. D.

In the world of self improvement, achieving goals and pursuing your dreams – you’ve most likely bumped up against patterns that you see transpire over and over again in your life.

Maybe you see in a pattern in your romantic relationships – where no matter who you’re dating, the same issues and patterns show up. Same person just a different pair of pants.

Or, maybe you see it in your work – you may go into a different job, or a different position – and find yourself feeling frustrated and undervalued. You feel like you just took a different seat on the titanic.

It’s a beautiful thing when you can actually realize and see a pattern because then, once you’re aware, you can change it and begin making different choices – more empowering choices.

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Solutions To Get Un-Stuck

Posted on Dec 1, 2014 | by Brenda Stanton

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom.” ~~ Anais Nin

The first inclination when you feel like you’re stuck in a rut and lacking all motivation to do anything is to – get out of this state quickly! The feelings that arise when you’re stuck are very uncomfortable and almost unbearable because they go against your character and who you know yourself to be.

If you identify yourself with being a can-do, go-getter, overachiever who has a track-record of getting things done – then being stuck in a rut is probably the worst feeling you could feel. It goes against the grain of everything you know about yourself and it hits hard to your identity and how you see yourself – and, where you source your value.

Imagine for a moment that you source your value and self-worth from giving.

Consider that you may get a hit of adrenaline every time you accomplish, give, or prove that you’re valuable by doing or giving – whether it’s to someone or something – it feels good to get it done or provide because it feeds something in you – albeit temporarily.

Yet, at the same time, you may feel resentful and not know why. You may wonder why it seems that you never get back what you give. You may begin to get angry but have no idea why you’re angry. You may begin to feel sad and not know why. Pretty soon you find yourself not only sad, but stuck in a full-blown rut and have no idea how you got here.

Sound familiar?

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Heaviness of Personal Responsibility

Posted on Mar 24, 2014 | by Brenda Stanton

“Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it.” ~Unknown

The other day I watched this brief video of Pastor Joel Olsteen chat with a woman on the Oprah’s Lifeclass about her challenges with self worth.

I love Joel Olsteen. He’s so full of life, inspiration and great advice. It’s also so clear where his priorities are – steeped in putting God first in his life, and allowing himself to be led vs. feeling as if he’s the one in the driver’s seat.

And I’m sure, with more time, Joel could have expanded upon his message to this beautiful woman about how to feel more worthy. If you watch the brief video, you’ll see how he helped her shift her mindset and to be more faithFULL that God has a plan, and where she’s “at”, isn’t a mistake.

All beautiful messages about believing in God’s plan and having FAITH.

Yet, I know this woman Michelle is still feeling blocked based on what she said: “I’m not disappointed in God but I’m more disappointed and ashamed of myself”.

Ahh, the grip of self-blame that keeps you stuck in the past and never seems to let go as much as you “try”.

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