Archive for the ‘Self-Sabotage’ Category

Negative Thinking – Release The Chains

Posted on Jan 15, 2018 | by Brenda Stanton

“We attract what we are aligned with whether consciously or unconsciously.”

When I read the above statement something clicked in me.  I read it and instantly knew that it is True.  We We attract what we are aligned with – whether we know it or not.

 

And…oftentimes, when it comes to the areas of our lives that are the most important and we want to attract and keep what we truly value – those are the areas that feel so out of grasp, like water slipping through your fingers.

Do you agree?

A client asked me the other day, why is it so easy for me to be calm and attract things that I don’t care much about so effortlessly – but when it comes to what truly matters for me – what is most important, I feel anxious and I overanalyze – and then keep things stuck?

Well, I’ve found through first-hand experience (my own and in collaboration with clients) – the areas we block and create challenges are the areas where we have the deepest wounding – and also the opportunity for the greatest breakthroughs.

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The Speed of Your Thoughts

Posted on Dec 3, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

I heard the other that day that we humans process 125-250 words per minute when we are communicating with others – whether we’re speaking or are being spoken to.  Yet, when we think in our own minds, we form thoughts that are 1000-3000 words per minute.

Pretty incredible huh?

A couple of lessons come out of this Truth.

Number one is – when you aren’t fully present when you are communicating with another – your mind is very active.  This means that you aren’t listening to what the other is truly saying – but *thinking* about what you’re either going to say next – or making assumptions based on what they’re saying.  In either scenario, you are more in your own mind than you are in the present moment.

Same is true for the second Truth which is – if your mind forms thoughts that quick – and what you think about you bring about in your life – can you imagine how many of those thoughts are negative in nature?  

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Why You Self-Sabotage

Posted on Nov 17, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

“Self sabotage is when we say we want something and we go about making sure it doesn’t happen” ~Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

You know what it is that you deeply want. You have it on a vision board or maybe you’ve written it down.

Regardless of the way in which you’ve formulated your vision, you have a good idea of what you yearn to manifest in your life.

Then why, do you sometimes take two steps forward and one (maybe two, three or twenty!) steps back just when you’re beginning to feel great, make progress and see results?

Self sabotage could be at play.

 

When you find yourself taking steps forward towards your vision and then suddenly, or gradually, find yourself stopping, or backing off considerably – give thought and consideration to there may be a fear of you having what you truly want.

Huh? How can this be? You know what you want, you’ve written it down, you’ve prayed about it, you’ve told your friends and family about it…how could you ever not want what you say you want?

How this can manifest is through a much deeper commitment – the commitment to not losing love and connection with those we care about. In other words, the fear of losing love could be an unconscious driving force.

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Needs vs. Wants

Posted on Jul 16, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

This statement about needs vs. wants , says something so groundbreaking, so fundamental to your ability to experience inner well-being that it could potentially go unnoticed.

Treating your needs as optional is something most all of us have done, or continue to do each day without even realizing it. This is a habit of self-sabotage where you may continually ignore needs that you have without even realizing that’s what you’re doing.

Without knowing that you even have needs, let alone even have the right to honor them, is what can be troubling and will, without a doubt, cause havoc in your life and your overall well-being.

If you’re someone who has loads of responsibilities on your plate – a family, work, relationships and a slew of other responsibilities and tasks that need to be taken care of, you most likely have needs that aren’t getting met in the way that would soothe your soul.

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Approval Addiction

Posted on Jun 4, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

“Endearment is a choice; people pleasing is based on need” ~Thomas Leonard

Approval addiction is a real thing – and oftentimes, it remains something you’re unaware of until you find yourself in a situation where you are giving to another the authority to make you feel  less than when they don’t react in the way you expect, or want them to.  

Maybe you’re in a job and have found yourself feeling resentful and stuck because no matter how hard you try, how hard and long you work, no matter what you do, it’s never enough for your boss.

Or, maybe you dream of sharing your voice with others and sharing your knowledge and expertise – but every time you go to put pen to paper, or think about booking a workshop to teach what you know – you freeze and worry about “What will they think of me?”

This is where the key to having a strong relationship with Yourself comes in play – where you give Yourself permission to do what you want to do from a soul-directed place vs. being motivated to please and gain approval from others – and to prove your worth, vs. claim it. 

One road keeps you stuck. The other road sets you free.

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Comparing Yourself To Others

Posted on May 15, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

If there is anything in your sabotager’s toolkit that will squelch your dreams  the quickest, it will be comparing yourself to others.

When you believe your value comes from comparing, your mind will constantly be  looking for evidence on how others are better, more qualified, more creative, more successful, more ‘in the know’ than you.

This is a trap that will keep you stuck.

And if there is anything that I could stress when it comes to your life, relationships and work, it would be this:  Be You and only YOU.  No one else can BE you.

Easier said than done, I know.  But once you become aware, you can change it.

This week: Pay attention to what you’re letting come into your sphere of influence – and who and what you’re comparing yourself too.

Notice when you’re doing this and simply notice if you’re letting someone else’s success, or life circumstances, influence you and make you feel inferior.

Then, simply nudge yourself and notice in that moment how you’re rejecting and abandoning yourself – and commit to stop doing that ;)!

The Power Of Your Will Part 1

Posted on Apr 2, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

Willing something to happen is very different than forcing something to happen.

Will tends to get a bad rap because it conjures up the word willpower – which almost always gives way to:  restriction and going against yourself vs. allowing and letting things flow and be easy.

To me, will power gives the image of – I want it but I really don’t want it but I’m going to force myself to want it.  Sound familiar?  Trying to force something you should want but you face resistance around it.

In it’s truest sense, will power is exerted when you realize that what you want is what the Universe wants for you too – and you then have the courage to take action towards what you want – no matter what.

This is the same concept of:  when you marry intention with action and a miracle happens!  It’s when things just flow and happen – and you know you aren’t standing in your own way anymore – you’re allowing your highest good to manifest.

But what happens when you want something and it doesn’t happen – and the exact opposite manifests?  The same concept of will power is at play here too.  You willed what you don’t want to happen, it just wasn’t a conscious choice – it was an unconscious one.

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What You Resist Persists

Posted on Mar 26, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

“What you resists persists” ~Carl Jung

When the law of attraction got introduced on a larger scale through the book/dvd The Secret I think the anxiety level of many people went up on a larger scale too.

There is a term called – unconscious competent – and I believe for many years many of us weren’t aware of what we were creating – and there wasn’t that much pressure to know.  Things happened naturally and sometimes they didn’t – but the pressure of “You Create Your Own Reality” wasn’t there.

I believe we could all utilize less of – You Create Your Own Reality – and more of – You Allow Your Reality.   

When The Secret came out, you most likely knew the concepts and knew when you thought about something – it did often come about.  You may have created a vision board – and cut pictures out of magazines *telling* the Universe what you wanted.

I did the same.  I’d write in my journal about what I *thought* I wanted and some things would manifest and some things wouldn’t.

When things didn’t manifest, I see now that it all had to do with my resistance level to allowing and trusting that if it wasn’t right, the Universe didn’t want me to have it right then.  Or, there was something in my story – the story I made up about how my past circumstances defined who I am and based on that, I’m not worthy.

Regardless, I’d often resist it and fight harder for what I *thought* I wanted and the more I resisted, the more what I didn’t want would appear.  Which left me feeling even more frustrated and believing a) the law of attraction just didn’t work for me – and/or b) I’m unconsciously reinforcing my story that I’m not enough in some way or c) all of the above :)

What I’m learning is – Acceptance is the key.  Accepting everything that comes your way and knowing that whatever comes, it is for your highest good.  This puts you in the flow of life vs. putting you in the resistance to life.

As I practice this, my mind has been having a field day with resistance – screaming at me: “What do you mean accept what comes and what is?  How in the world will the Universe ever know what you truly want if you’re so passive?”  Essentially saying, you need control and you need control now!

Yet, the Truth is – my mind doesn’t know what life has in store for me – it only knows the story it created around what I’m worthy of and what I’m not based on what I’ve already experienced. This story is very limiting – and it may lead me to my mind’s fate, but it won’t lead me to my destiny.

My prayer moving forward is to be pulled towards my destiny – and to allow that to unfold through being accepting of what is and what comes.  This doesn’t mean that I passively just walk through life not wanting things – I still have desires – but rather than consult my mind on what those desires are, I’m deciding to go deeper into my soul and allow my soul to speak to me and to WILL it to happen vs. try to make it happen.

We’ll talk more about WILL next time – meanwhile, if this approach resonates, give it a try.  Accept what is – and know that what is – IS for your highest good.  Trust it.

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop?

Posted on Mar 18, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

Have you ever experienced a situation in life that is going “too good” – or “too peaceful” or “too successful” and a part of your brain keeps whispering:  “There is no way this can last.  When is the other shoe going to drop?”

Waiting for the other shoe to drop is an actual syndrome which has it’s root in FEAR.    The fear of experiencing peace or goodness and then your mind trying to prepare you for the worst case scenario.  

This is what fear does – it keeps you in a constant state of panic and high alert.  You subconsciously stand guard for something bad happening – and worry that nothing good can ever last.  This results in your body and mind humming at a rapid pace – like a car’s engine that is kept on too long – it’s idle and eventually begins to rev up.  No wonder you may have a hard time being in the moment – the present moment feels frightening!

Being aware of having this fear of the other shoe dropping is the first step because you can now see that this is a survival mechanism that your brain created to help protect you.  Yet, in Truth, this isn’t really protecting you – it’s keeping you in a state of panic, worry and anxiety.  Feelings that may feel familiar to you – but feelings that also keep you stuck.

So, what is the true solution to overcoming waiting for the other shoe to drop?

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Loving Your Shadow Self

Posted on Feb 26, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

The other day while i was walking the dog, I looked down and saw this heart etched into the road below me.  I love seeing hearts in random places so I took a picture.  Afterwards, i noticed how cool the picture is – but later on realized it had even deeper meaning  — love in the shadow.

What is your shadow self?

Your shadow self is the cumulation of the parts of you that you don’t want to be.  The parts that you run from, have immense shame around, and do your best to cover up and/or hide from everyone else – mostly yourself.

You know when you’re knee deep in your shadow when you judge someone else for doing something you’d never do – or you judge someone for being something you’d never be.  Or, if you’re accused of being a certain way – and you get enraged at the thought of it – then you know you’re hovering over your shadow.

Our shadows, like every limiting belief or thought process, gets it roots at an early age. You most likely witnessed those that you’re connected to in your family dynamic being destructive or unloving and made a promise to yourself that you’d never be like that.  You’d be different.  Better.  More of something.  Just not them, or that.

So, you become the opposite of your shadow by building another ego self that you can be proud of and that is *accepted* by the outside world.  You do the right things.  You follow the rules.  You make the right choices.  You follow the right path.  Until you don’t.

Making this decision about who you wouldn’t be, put your shadow self into a box, and your intention was it would never, ever see the light of day.  Yet, your shadow has different intentions – its intention is to show you who you really are – so you can accept ALL of you – and ALL of others.

If you walk around not accepting parts of you – you’ll walk around not accepting parts of others.  You’ll judge you just as much as you judge them.  And, with judgement being the absence of love, no one heals from that.

By ignoring, rejecting and abandoning your shadow, it will crop up when you least expect it.  It will crop up when you’re doing your best to be someone else – but your shadow reminds you that it’s there – and unless you acknowledge, accept and love it, it will continue to sabotage you.  

So, how do you learn to embrace and accept your shadow self and realize it’s a part of you that needs love?

They key is to acknowledge your shadow and know that these aspects exist within you – and to remove judgement.  The next step is to witness but not react or engage, but rather integrate.

For example, the other day I said to my coach, I’ll never be enough for something I truly want.  He encouraged me to see how I’m repeating a thought process that is telling me I’ll never measure which essentially means “ever” – it will never, ever happen.  Yikes!  I then asked, “Okay, how do I heal this?”  He simply said, “Can you love that you’ll never be enough?”  In that moment, I felt unleashed in my reply of “Yes!”.

So I’ll pose the same question to you – can you love the parts of you that you don’t want to look at or acknowledge?  If you can, you’ll begin to experience true freedom.  Give it a shot.  And remember, like anything it’s a process of integration.

Tip:  Look for the gifts in becoming the opposite of who you never wanted to be – and then look for the gift if you embrace all these aspects.  The best gift to realize is – if you embrace and love your shadow, it will lessen it’s hold on you and stop haunting you.  

As always, it’s your choice.