Archive for the ‘Self Judgement’ Category

Stuck In Your Story

Posted on Jun 25, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

 

“A come back is not a go back” ~Tim Storey

I was speaking with someone recently who asked me “So when you experienced that hurt at an early-age, who did you tell about it?”  “Nobody” I answered.

What this individual helped me realize is – “Nobody” quickly became my companion in life – that voice in my head who kept me company and helped me create stories about why I *think* things happened and what they meant vs. simply just letting what happened, BE.

And I’ve continued to keep Nobody around for most of my life.  Relying on my mind-made stories to help me decipher events or circumstances and create meaning out of them.   And…when I didn’t have a direct answer, that meaning I made up usually was a negative conclusion vs. a positive one.  This conclusion would then reinforce the limiting story and stories I told myself about why I couldn’t have or experience what I truly wanted.

Only when I allowed myself to be in the NOW – and witness what was/is happening vs. being in my head making up stories about WHY it’s happening, did I become aware of how I limit myself through making up stories.

We all have a story – the question to ask yourself is:  Does your story limit you or liberate you?
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Fate vs. Destiny

Posted on Jun 11, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

We all have a story we tell ourselves about how worthy or unworthy we feel based on past and current circumstances.

And, most everyone looks to create something in the future to transcend the circumstances that made you (or are making you) feel unworthy…and….hold onto the circumstances that you feel give you worth.

But have you ever considered that trying to create your life keeps you stuck in what you *think* you *should* do and have vs. allowing what is meant for you to happen?

The past two years have opened my own eyes to how mind driven I’ve been.  How, even though, I’ve been following spiritual practice and “teachers”, I was still more committed to giving my mind the power and trying to control what happens vs. allowing what is meant to happen, happen.

What I’m continuing to realize is: my mind doesn’t have the insight and Truth that my soul does.  In Truth, my mind doesn’t know my destiny.  My mind only knows my fate based on the story I tell myself about myself and my current & past life circumstances.  

Have you ever considered that you tell yourself a story about your own worth without realizing that you’re the one telling the story, not life?

I used to *think* (a.k.a. tell myself) that I just had bad luck in certain areas of my life – and that the reason things weren’t changing or manifesting in the direction I wanted them to go was because…and then insert whatever story line here that my mind told me about my circumstances.  I used to *think* life was working against me, not for me.

But then, I realized that I have a story teller that is focused on creating meaning and significance with events that I took to mean this or that about me and my worthiness.  If this happened it meant this.  Or if that happened it must mean this.

I hadn’t considered that I could just let an event or circumstance happen and BE without putting a judgement on it….

We’re taught that the outer world is a direct reflection of our worthiness and if we don’t have everything that others do – then, well, it must mean they are more deserving or whatever the story is that you may tell yourself.

But the Truth is – the mind/ego is solely focused on comparison and it’s favorite thing to do is measure your worth in comparison with someone else’s.  This only causes suffering and keeps you stuck in that same limiting story.  And, your worth can never be measured.  Ever.

What if, in order to allow your destiny, you decide that you’ll become aware of the story you tell yourself about yourself (and others and life, etc.) and not buy into it – simply witness it as a story – as just words. Can you imagine the freedom that would create in your life?  Can you imagine the unlimited possibilities?

Your story keeps you stuck.

If you’re ready to ditch that story – rather than tell yourself a new one about how worthy you really are, make a choice to just let what is BE…no judgement.  Just let it be without telling yourself that it *means* something about you.

This approach is true for “good” circumstances as much as it is for “bad” circumstances because no matter what, the other shoe will drop.  We live in a duality world – where polarity rules the day.  One day it rains  – another day the sun is out.

Have you ever questioned mother nature about what the weather means?  Or, even said to mother nature, don’t rain today.  No, because you know you aren’t in control of mother nature.  And, you being part of nature, what if you aren’t in control of your destiny either?  What if, the greatest vision you could you ever experience for your life was in the not knowing vs. the knowing?  What if being NOW and accepting what comes IS your purpose?

Lots to contemplate!  And much more to come in future articles on this approach to life.

 

Comparing Yourself To Others

Posted on May 15, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

If there is anything in your sabotager’s toolkit that will squelch your dreams  the quickest, it will be comparing yourself to others.

When you believe your value comes from comparing, your mind will constantly be  looking for evidence on how others are better, more qualified, more creative, more successful, more ‘in the know’ than you.

This is a trap that will keep you stuck.

And if there is anything that I could stress when it comes to your life, relationships and work, it would be this:  Be You and only YOU.  No one else can BE you.

Easier said than done, I know.  But once you become aware, you can change it.

This week: Pay attention to what you’re letting come into your sphere of influence – and who and what you’re comparing yourself too.

Notice when you’re doing this and simply notice if you’re letting someone else’s success, or life circumstances, influence you and make you feel inferior.

Then, simply nudge yourself and notice in that moment how you’re rejecting and abandoning yourself – and commit to stop doing that ;)!

Loving Your Shadow Self

Posted on Feb 26, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

The other day while i was walking the dog, I looked down and saw this heart etched into the road below me.  I love seeing hearts in random places so I took a picture.  Afterwards, i noticed how cool the picture is – but later on realized it had even deeper meaning  — love in the shadow.

What is your shadow self?

Your shadow self is the cumulation of the parts of you that you don’t want to be.  The parts that you run from, have immense shame around, and do your best to cover up and/or hide from everyone else – mostly yourself.

You know when you’re knee deep in your shadow when you judge someone else for doing something you’d never do – or you judge someone for being something you’d never be.  Or, if you’re accused of being a certain way – and you get enraged at the thought of it – then you know you’re hovering over your shadow.

Our shadows, like every limiting belief or thought process, gets it roots at an early age. You most likely witnessed those that you’re connected to in your family dynamic being destructive or unloving and made a promise to yourself that you’d never be like that.  You’d be different.  Better.  More of something.  Just not them, or that.

So, you become the opposite of your shadow by building another ego self that you can be proud of and that is *accepted* by the outside world.  You do the right things.  You follow the rules.  You make the right choices.  You follow the right path.  Until you don’t.

Making this decision about who you wouldn’t be, put your shadow self into a box, and your intention was it would never, ever see the light of day.  Yet, your shadow has different intentions – its intention is to show you who you really are – so you can accept ALL of you – and ALL of others.

If you walk around not accepting parts of you – you’ll walk around not accepting parts of others.  You’ll judge you just as much as you judge them.  And, with judgement being the absence of love, no one heals from that.

By ignoring, rejecting and abandoning your shadow, it will crop up when you least expect it.  It will crop up when you’re doing your best to be someone else – but your shadow reminds you that it’s there – and unless you acknowledge, accept and love it, it will continue to sabotage you.  

So, how do you learn to embrace and accept your shadow self and realize it’s a part of you that needs love?

They key is to acknowledge your shadow and know that these aspects exist within you – and to remove judgement.  The next step is to witness but not react or engage, but rather integrate.

For example, the other day I said to my coach, I’ll never be enough for something I truly want.  He encouraged me to see how I’m repeating a thought process that is telling me I’ll never measure which essentially means “ever” – it will never, ever happen.  Yikes!  I then asked, “Okay, how do I heal this?”  He simply said, “Can you love that you’ll never be enough?”  In that moment, I felt unleashed in my reply of “Yes!”.

So I’ll pose the same question to you – can you love the parts of you that you don’t want to look at or acknowledge?  If you can, you’ll begin to experience true freedom.  Give it a shot.  And remember, like anything it’s a process of integration.

Tip:  Look for the gifts in becoming the opposite of who you never wanted to be – and then look for the gift if you embrace all these aspects.  The best gift to realize is – if you embrace and love your shadow, it will lessen it’s hold on you and stop haunting you.  

As always, it’s your choice.

Chasing Self Worth

Posted on Dec 18, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

 

We all have areas of life where our self-worth feels very high – areas where you don’t struggle, you manifest very easily and have the utmost confidence.  You most likely hardly think about this area of your life – because it doesn’t create a challenge for you – you own your worthiness – it flows easily and effortlessly.

Then, another area of your life feels the exact opposite.  Your self-worth feels fleeting – as if you can’t grasp it no matter how hard you try.  You feel undeserving, unworthy – and can’t put your finger on why.  You feel unable to manifest or make something happen – even though you try to change it, heal it or fix what you perceive to be wrong with you or the situation.   You feel stuck and can’t find a way out.

Imagine the area where your self-worth feels high is like a free-flowing river – it flows.  And the area where your self-worth feels low is like a mouse in a maze – lots of obstacles and you can’t seem to find a way out – or a way to get to the cheese!

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Break Free of Inherited Self Worth Patterns

Posted on Dec 11, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the holidays approach, there is no doubt you’re making plans to be with family. Perhaps you’re excited and perhaps you are not.

This article is written for those of you who are perhaps dreading being around family energy that may make you feel uncomfortable and bring up old patterns and feelings – that you’d rather not feel.

My advice is to treat the holiday season as a great time to put old wounds into healing – and to become aware of thought patterns that may still be haunting you and holding you back to this day.

Those of you who are committed to the work of self awareness and becoming your True Self, know that we all inherited legacies of self worth patterns that aren’t even our own, but we unconsciously decided to own.

Take for example, a client of mine (who I have permission to share her story without revealing her name) who recently was around a close family member who she has struggled having any kind of relationship with.

As we talked through the feelings that arise within her when she’s around this family member, I suggested she stay awake and aware and nonjudgmental when she observes not only the behavior from the family member, but the behavior that goes on within herself.

What has to be realized is – any judgement, opinion, mean comment, etc. that was bestowed on you by another – was a moment in time that triggered you – and you took that judgement, opinion, or mean comment and told yourself something about it.  In other words, you took on the energy of that individual and told yourself that you’re not worthy, you’re bad, you’re stupid – whatever it was – and then your mind recycled that thought to continue to show up to prove you right time and time again.

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How You Parent Yourself

Posted on Oct 2, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton
Have you ever given thought to how you parent yourself and what your own parent (whether they were physically in your life or not) demonstrated to you about your own sense of self worth?
Notice that I said “sense” of self worth because most of us don’t realize that the way we witness how others interact with us – especially when we’re young and super impressionable  – is how we form our sense of self worth and value in your world.

kidwithson

This doesn’t mean that others give you a sense of value or worth – it’s how you interpret their actions that you make your own assumptions and decisions.  Then, these assumptions get internalized and form beliefs about yourself that most likely still hold true for you today.  
They key thing to realize about parents is – whatever you witnessed not only with how they treated you – but how they treated themselves, got internalized to how you treat you.
This isn’t obvious because most of us make very clear decisions at some point in life to say – I will NEVER be like my mother or father – or both!  Then, you work really hard to become the opposite of them…and you most likely became successful at being the opposite.
Yet, have you ever found yourself saying something to someone else that sounds alot like one of your parents?

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What Is Self Respect?

Posted on Sep 18, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

The other day I realized that I repeated (yet again) a past pattern that has caused me enormous pain and confusion.   theadventurebegins

As I sat there feeling that all too familiar punch in the gut pain, I thought: “Geez, I must not have much self-respect to keep doing this to myself…”.

My head then began to take me on a rollercoaster ride of judgement – where I began to feel worse *thinking* thoughts such as:  “Other stronger, more worldly women would never continually subject themselves to this type of pain.  You must be weak  – and they simply have more self-respect for themselves.”

Ouch.

So, then as I habitually do, I went outside myself to get a better understanding of what the outside world could tell me about self-judgement.  

According to Dictionary.com, self-judgement is defined as:  “proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one’s character.”

Ouch again.

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