Archive for the ‘Rules and Expectations’ Category

How Fear Rules Your Life

Posted on Jan 9, 2017 | by Brenda Stanton

What most of us need to realize is – we have a very intimate relationship with fear.  A relationship where fear is in control.  Fear is who you put first.  Fear overrides your own Truth.

Why?

Because fear is what we all know.  It’s what we’ve been taught to stay “safe”.  And, even though fear keeps you stuck in misery – it feels familiar – it feels like protection.  False protection, but protection none the less.

Someone said to me the other day, if you say – “I’ve always been afraid of x, y or z “- then what do you think you will manifest in the future?  If you say it’s always been this way (in the past) — aren’t you stating, it’s always going to be that way in the future?

Fear is so entrenched in all of us that most don’t realize that its not your Truth.  It’s not your destiny either, but again, it’s been the reality that you’ve *known*.

Fear tells you what you want will never happen.  It tells you that you aren’t worthy of what you truly want.  It convinces you that who you’ve known yourself to be in the past – is who you’ll always be.  Fear keeps you stuck and gripped in a place of non-action.  Or, it keeps you stuck in a place of constant action.  The energy of fear makes you feel worried, frenzied, and restless – as if something terrible is about to happen at any moment – the other shoe is going to drop, and you need to be ready.

Fear is the energy of non-peace.  And, becoming aware of the energy of fear – and how it’s been the primary driver of your life – is the first step.  The second step is to realize that there is another way to BE.

This other way to BE, is to learn the art of trust and surrender – and rather feeling like you always need to be in control and *know* what’s going to happen next,to rather allow things to unfold in the way in which they are meant -to vs. the way in which you *think* they should.

Easier said than done, I know.

To start this process and new way of being – allow yourself to surrender your mind’s version of how you *think* your life should look based on the expectations that you have.  Then, rather than feel like you need to know your next step – or what to do, etc. – give the reins over to the Universe for a change.  Allow yourself to be guided by Truth vs. the fear of something not happening.

The biggest realization I had going into this year is when my own coach said to me:  “You’re trying to create your life and it’s not yours to create.”  Whoa – that hit me between the eyes – because I know that is the Truth.

The Truth is:  your destiny isn’t something you can conjure up in your mind.  Your destiny is what your soul has already agreed to – and it’s pulling you towards it each day.  Your job is to listen, trust and be present in the moment in order to hear it’s guidance.  

But, if you allow fear to be in charge, then you’ll always be afraid of what you’ve always been afraid of – and then nothing can change.  In other words, as someone said to me, as long as your reality has to go off what fear says, fear will win.

A different reality is trying to choose you, your choice is, will you allow it or stop it?  One is letting your soul guide you and the other is letting fear be in charge.  Which will you choose?  Remember, choose yourself first and you’ll always make the best choice.  

How You Parent Yourself

Posted on Oct 2, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton
Have you ever given thought to how you parent yourself and what your own parent (whether they were physically in your life or not) demonstrated to you about your own sense of self worth?
Notice that I said “sense” of self worth because most of us don’t realize that the way we witness how others interact with us – especially when we’re young and super impressionable  – is how we form our sense of self worth and value in your world.

kidwithson

This doesn’t mean that others give you a sense of value or worth – it’s how you interpret their actions that you make your own assumptions and decisions.  Then, these assumptions get internalized and form beliefs about yourself that most likely still hold true for you today.  
They key thing to realize about parents is – whatever you witnessed not only with how they treated you – but how they treated themselves, got internalized to how you treat you.
This isn’t obvious because most of us make very clear decisions at some point in life to say – I will NEVER be like my mother or father – or both!  Then, you work really hard to become the opposite of them…and you most likely became successful at being the opposite.
Yet, have you ever found yourself saying something to someone else that sounds alot like one of your parents?

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What Is Self Respect?

Posted on Sep 18, 2016 | by Brenda Stanton

The other day I realized that I repeated (yet again) a past pattern that has caused me enormous pain and confusion.   theadventurebegins

As I sat there feeling that all too familiar punch in the gut pain, I thought: “Geez, I must not have much self-respect to keep doing this to myself…”.

My head then began to take me on a rollercoaster ride of judgement – where I began to feel worse *thinking* thoughts such as:  “Other stronger, more worldly women would never continually subject themselves to this type of pain.  You must be weak  – and they simply have more self-respect for themselves.”

Ouch.

So, then as I habitually do, I went outside myself to get a better understanding of what the outside world could tell me about self-judgement.  

According to Dictionary.com, self-judgement is defined as:  “proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one’s character.”

Ouch again.

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Carried Shame

Posted on Jun 28, 2013 | by Brenda Stanton

“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” ~Ram Dass

In my work with people, the best way I can describe them hovering over a worth issue is when they know what it is that they truly desire and want – yet they struggle with a hold-back – a block of not being able to experience it – and they have no idea why.

The best analogy I heard for this was described by Debbie Ford in one of her books where she said (which I’ll paraphrase): The feeling is like being stuck in a glass capsule. On the outside you can see what it is that you desire. You are close enough to almost touch and taste it – but you’re just far enough away to fully grab on and claim it as yours.

Can you relate with this glass capsule feeling in your own life? Where you desire something to change whether it’s in your work, your relationship(s) or in how you live – but you know you’re hovering over a worth issue, and aren’t really sure what to do with it?

If you can relate, something to consider when it comes to your worthiness challenges is the concept of carried shame.

Carried shame is when you are holding onto to someone else’s stuff. It’s a feeling of overwhelming responsibility for something that you feel guilty of – but you aren’t sure what you did that was so wrong.

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What Others Think Of You

Posted on Apr 29, 2013 | by Brenda Stanton

“Other people’s opinions of you – whether positive or negative – are fleeting. Your opinion of you is the one that needs to take precedence.”

The other day I was walking around my home and heard a familiar sound…the sound of my ankles cracking.

Ever since I can remember I recall my ankles cracking.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that having your ankles crack is a fairly common thing so, I’ve learned to accept it and not let it bother me.

When I was younger though, my ankles cracking did bother me – a lot.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was a freshman in high school and a group of us were sitting in a circle asking our gym teacher questions about our health.

I innocently asked in front of the group – “My ankles crack when I walk – do you know why that is?”

My gym teacher put one hand over the side of his mouth, as if to try to hide what he was saying to the group, but still being loud enough for all my peers to hear him, when he said: “Why don’t you try losing some weight.”

Ugh. “Did he really just have to say that in front of everyone?” I thought quietly to myself.

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Transcending Your Old Stories

Posted on Sep 24, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

“Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.” ~Tara Brach

I remember years back, when I had about a year of coaching under my belt, I hired a photographer to take some pictures of me for the new website I was creating.

This photographer was referred to me by a friend, and I had known that she had recently gotten married and was going through some major transitions in her life.

For the photo shoot, she and I decided to meet in the woods near my home – where we thought we could get some nice shots outside.

During the shoot, we chatted about a variety of things and our conversation eventually landed on the topic of her recent marriage. We discussed the changes she was undergoing in her life and she explained that not only did she just marry the love of her life, but she had lost over 100 lbs!

Needless to say this gal was claiming her worth in a variety of ways in her life!

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Being Your Own Person

Posted on Apr 24, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

“If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.” ~Johann von Goethe

In order to live the life you were designed to live , it’s critical to understand yourself at the deepest level.

Yet, most of us were taught to cover-up the core of who we are in order
to be accepted by others in both our original family of origin, and our peer groups growing up.

Becoming who you were designed to be is a courageous act because it requires you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It requires you to understand that not everyone is going to approve of what you do and who you commit to becoming.

That’s okay, people pleasing is so out-dated.

The most important and courageous act in being your own person is: accepting and loving ALL parts of yourself first and foremost. The parts that you honor and cherish and the parts that you’d rather not look at for fear that they are unacceptable.

I believe we spend way too much time trying to be perfect than being who we’re meant to be.

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Beauty of Black Sheep

Posted on Mar 13, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

Last Wednesday morning, I hit the highway to drop off my laptop to get some repairs.  As I sat in the early morning traffic, my mind was flooded with memories from my former corporate days.

As I looked ahead of me at all the traffic, I remembered all the mornings, and evenings, I’d spent in sitting in my car- feeling like I wasting my life away.

I always remember looking around – trying to catch the eye of other people in their cars – wondering if they were thinking what I was:  “What are we all following each other to?  What are we chasing?”

When I was in corporate I always felt like an outcast. Come to think of it, my whole life I felt like an outcast – a black sheep – someone who always got into trouble for drawing outside the lines, not fitting into a mold, or box, wanting things to be different, and searching for an escape hatch – a place where I could find a blank canvas to draw-out that vision.

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From Ambition To Meaning

Posted on Jan 24, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

“The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity.” ~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

The other morning, during a conversation with a friend, the topic of ambition and the continual chase for more had come up.

My friend was discussing the fact that the continual climb to be better, to achieve goals, and to continually raise the bar, wasn’t working anymore in terms of giving them that fulfilled feeling they normally had experienced.

The conversation reminded me of a Wayne Dyer movie I had watched a few years back:
The Shift. The movie is all about The Shift we all experience where we go from living a life that is all about ambition and succeeding to graduating into a more purposeful life.

In the movie, Wayne explains that The Shift is usually preceded from a “quantum moment” – a moment where we realize there is not only MORE to life – but more to us and what we’re here to contribute.

This is the type of Shift that I see everyday in my work with clients.

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Trying To Please Everyone

Posted on Aug 9, 2011 | by Brenda Stanton

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” ~ Bill Cosby

If there is one thing that I’ve seen hold more folks back from actively pursuing their mission/purpose in life, it’s trying to please everyone.

As you can see from Bill Cosby’s quote above, it’s very true, the key to failure is trying to make everyone else happy, while you stay stuck and unhappy.

Now, I get loads of flack from people who think that focusing on themselves means they are selfish, self-absorbed and don’t care about others. Yet, I believe we all know, at a very deep level how un-true that is.

The Truth is – the people who are the most caring and who have the most to give to humanity, (especially in these turbulent times where the most caring and compassionate are most needed) are truly the people who need the 101 lesson in owning your own life first, before trying to serve others authentically.

Now, I’m sure you can relate with being part of the guilt, obligation and *should* club – where you feel that others expect certain things from you and expect you to ‘act’ in a certain way.

Whether this is in your personal life with family and friends, or your professional life with colleagues, your boss, and/or clients – others have a certain expectation for who they believe that you are – or who they think you should be.

The challenge and struggle with trying to live your life based on other’s expectations of you – and trying to please them is: you lose-out and they gain. You feel angry, resentful and sad because deep-down you know that you’re living your life to please others – and you’re living by rules you were taught from others (a.k.a. society) which are very simple and extremely limiting: avoid punishment, seek reward.

Yuck.

When you hear the call in your heart that there “must be something more”, or “there is definitely more to me that is aching to be expressed” – this is an authentic call for you to align yourself with your own values, your own voice, and the YOU that you were designed to BE.

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