Archive for the ‘Guilt and Unworthiness’ Category

Giving Your Worth Away

Posted on May 5, 2014 | by Brenda Stanton

Giving your worth away is like sliding all your power across a table and asking someone else – am I good enough?

If you really think about it – we’ve all been taught to give our power away and rely on feeling good about ourselves from what others think. As kids we do this with the authority figures in our lives – looking up at them – smaller and shorter – and thinking: Am I enough?

This habit gets transferred to our adult lives in many ways also – not only when it comes to our personal worth – how we feel about ourselves, our capabilities, talents, what we have, don’t have, etc. – but also our spiritual worth – our relationship with Source – our creator.

I had honestly never made the distinction, until recently, between personal worth and spiritual worth – but the distinction does help – especially when you’re a spiritual seeker and in need of deeper answers to where your life is not only going, but what it’s all for.

And, what I find happening with so many, especially in this “New Age” – is carrying the habit of handing power over to others – others who claim to have your answers – others who claim to know where your life is going – and what your destiny is.

Trust me, I’ve gone to many a psychic looking for not only my answers and life path, asking them with the utmost sincerity – is it all going to work out? In other words, tell me, does God really have my back?

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Feeling Un-Valued: A Real Life Example

Posted on Apr 7, 2014 | by Brenda Stanton

“We teach people how to treat us. You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don’t.” ~Dr. Phil

Last weekend I scheduled a very long over-due facial. It’s sad to think about how long it had been – perhaps 4-5 years since I’ve had one? Yikes! Yet, 2014 has been a year where I’ve committed to certain acts of self-care (massages, facials, etc.) – and have stopped defining them a luxury and made them a necessity for feeling good.

Needless to say, I was excited while I sat in the waiting area of the spa – and looking forward to receiving some much needed pampering.

The esthetician eventually came out to greet me. Immediately I felt weird in my body as the initial encounter felt odd and cold.

No warm greeting. No hand-shake. Just a simple statement: “Are you Brenda?” she said. “Yes.” I replied. Then she walked away. I assumed she expected me to follow her? I shrugged it off, got up to follow her, and turned the corner to find her joking around with the receptionist. She turned around looking annoyed, as if to remember she now needed to work, and opened the door to the back area.

I thought to myself: “This doesn’t feel right. I don’t like her energy. This isn’t what I envisioned for being pampered and able to have some serious down-time. I’m feeling stressed, uncomfortable and annoyed.”

But, once again, I shrugged it off and thought to myself that I was just over reacting. I made myself believe I was being overly sensitive and I must be imagining this whole encounter.

A very bad habit of mine has been always believing it’s me, not them.

Being an intuitive, sensitive person, I’ve been a pro at taking on other people’s “stuff” and trying to make them feel better and more comfortable. I realize now that I’ve done this because I learned from a very early-age that I needed to become who “they” wanted me to be in order to receive any morsel of love or acceptance.

Needless to say, this is a habit that I am consciously breaking – no more taking responsibility for “stuff” that isn’t mine.

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Heaviness of Personal Responsibility

Posted on Mar 24, 2014 | by Brenda Stanton

“Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it.” ~Unknown

The other day I watched this brief video of Pastor Joel Olsteen chat with a woman on the Oprah’s Lifeclass about her challenges with self worth.

I love Joel Olsteen. He’s so full of life, inspiration and great advice. It’s also so clear where his priorities are – steeped in putting God first in his life, and allowing himself to be led vs. feeling as if he’s the one in the driver’s seat.

And I’m sure, with more time, Joel could have expanded upon his message to this beautiful woman about how to feel more worthy. If you watch the brief video, you’ll see how he helped her shift her mindset and to be more faithFULL that God has a plan, and where she’s “at”, isn’t a mistake.

All beautiful messages about believing in God’s plan and having FAITH.

Yet, I know this woman Michelle is still feeling blocked based on what she said: “I’m not disappointed in God but I’m more disappointed and ashamed of myself”.

Ahh, the grip of self-blame that keeps you stuck in the past and never seems to let go as much as you “try”.

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Motivated By Your Inner Critic?

Posted on Mar 3, 2014 | by Brenda Stanton

“Success in any endeavor depends on the degree to which it is an expression of your true self.” ~Ralph Marston

We all have that voice within.

You know the one that crops-up when you’re attempting to make any type of positive change in your life. It either whispers, or speaks to you in a loud scream, something that sounds like: “Don’t Bother!”

If you allow the voice to continue to give you “advice” you’ll have convinced yourself in about 30-seconds of all the reasons why you shouldn’t make any type of change, or even attempt trying.

Not only does the voice do a great job of preventing you from trying to make any type of positive changes, but it also is phenomenal at beating you down, and making you feel really bad and small for things that you can’t seem to handle in your everyday life.

If you pay attention, you’ll notice your inner critic voice will point out everything you’re doing wrong in so many areas of your life.

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Carried Shame

Posted on Jun 28, 2013 | by Brenda Stanton

“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” ~Ram Dass

In my work with people, the best way I can describe them hovering over a worth issue is when they know what it is that they truly desire and want – yet they struggle with a hold-back – a block of not being able to experience it – and they have no idea why.

The best analogy I heard for this was described by Debbie Ford in one of her books where she said (which I’ll paraphrase): The feeling is like being stuck in a glass capsule. On the outside you can see what it is that you desire. You are close enough to almost touch and taste it – but you’re just far enough away to fully grab on and claim it as yours.

Can you relate with this glass capsule feeling in your own life? Where you desire something to change whether it’s in your work, your relationship(s) or in how you live – but you know you’re hovering over a worth issue, and aren’t really sure what to do with it?

If you can relate, something to consider when it comes to your worthiness challenges is the concept of carried shame.

Carried shame is when you are holding onto to someone else’s stuff. It’s a feeling of overwhelming responsibility for something that you feel guilty of – but you aren’t sure what you did that was so wrong.

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What Others Think Of You

Posted on Apr 29, 2013 | by Brenda Stanton

“Other people’s opinions of you – whether positive or negative – are fleeting. Your opinion of you is the one that needs to take precedence.”

The other day I was walking around my home and heard a familiar sound…the sound of my ankles cracking.

Ever since I can remember I recall my ankles cracking.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that having your ankles crack is a fairly common thing so, I’ve learned to accept it and not let it bother me.

When I was younger though, my ankles cracking did bother me – a lot.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was a freshman in high school and a group of us were sitting in a circle asking our gym teacher questions about our health.

I innocently asked in front of the group – “My ankles crack when I walk – do you know why that is?”

My gym teacher put one hand over the side of his mouth, as if to try to hide what he was saying to the group, but still being loud enough for all my peers to hear him, when he said: “Why don’t you try losing some weight.”

Ugh. “Did he really just have to say that in front of everyone?” I thought quietly to myself.

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You Have What It Takes

Posted on Sep 20, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

“You’ve been given the perfect life to teach what you most need to learn. The greatest teachers are given the greatest challenges. Accept that your life will never be perfect but the circumstances are perfect for you to continually evolve yourself while you continually help to evolve others. ~Me :)

As I discussed in last week’s Note Worthy, the recent Creative Life/Business Retreat that I taught was transformative, not only for the women attending, but for me as well.

I explained to the gals in attendance that I’ve been facing my own resistance around certain areas of life- especially when it comes to the work that I do.

I’ve known for quite some time that a deeper level of sharing is required to help teach these concepts and help others know they aren’t alone on the journey of claiming your worth in all areas of your life.

And, as it has always been so in my case, my life has been perfectly designed to continually learn and challenge myself within the area of self-worth – and – as I’m learning first-hand, the “Worth Work” never ends.

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Letting Go of Resentment

Posted on May 29, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

“There is a time in our lives, usually at mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision- possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life – and that is, whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out.” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. They may be with broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.” ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ from Women Who Run With The Wolves

The statement above is from the fabulous book – Women Who Run With The Wolves – and is an acknowledgement for any woman who has ever felt like you’ve lost-out on life in some small or big way – or had too many paths that just didn’t turn-out the way you had planned or hoped for.

And the statement is a beautiful pre-cursor for an exercise the author encourages all women to do where she recommends constructing a personal ‘descansos’ – which is a symbol that marks a part of your life that was cut short. Typically a ‘descansos’ are known for being on the side of the road to mark the memory of a tragic accident and to honor a life that was cut short.

And in this case, I am introducing to the process of doing your own personal ‘descansos’ as a way for you to take inventory of any past hurts, ‘mistakes’, wrong turns, lost opportunities, broken hearts, and just plain disappointment that you’ve experienced on the road of life thus far.

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Feeling Deserving of Self-Care

Posted on May 22, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” ~Lucille Ball

I’m sure you’ve heard of the powerful statement that Dr. Phil has used which is: “You teach people how to treat you.” Very true statement for sure.

There is another variation to this statement that could read: “Others teach you how to treat you.” In other words, you learn your sense of self-worth early-on based on how you were treated.

If you were nurtured, loved and paid attention to – you most likely have an easy time continuing
these habits for yourself.

If you weren’t nurtured and cared for the way you deserved to be, and you experienced abandonment, neglect, and emotional abuse – then you most likely have a hard time with feeling worthy of self-care. And, you most likely have an easier time forgetting about yourself and focusing on others needs before your own

Feeling worthy of your own time and attention is a skill that most of us need to learn to
incorporate into our everyday lives. Society teaches us that we must do good, give to others, and
be good people. All true statements.

Yet, you truly can’t give what you don’t already have (a.k.a. energy, feeling of fullness and
love, etc.) – when you’re running on an empty tank. We all know how it feels to do for others, but
when you’re doing so out of a sense of guilt and/or obligation, it doesn’t feel so good.

Take for example a client whom the other day had a realization about her own lack of self-care.
She said she knew exactly what she loved to do and wanted to do – but she just didn’t take the time
for herself and couldn’t understand why.

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Feeling Less Than Others

Posted on May 8, 2012 | by Brenda Stanton

“Women are still in emotional bondage as long as we need to worry that we might have to make a choice between being heard and being loved.” ~Marianne Williamson

The common denominator in my work with clients is the consistent theme and pattern that I see with women who yearn to have a voice in the world – to do great work – to be more seen and heard, and to make a difference – yet in their quest to expand and evolve and become more creatively self expressed, there is a holdback – a limit – a fear.

And, after some deeper inquiry, this hold-back boils down to a fear of not wanting to be seen as: bold, full of themselves, arrogant, and conceited.

Therefore, any attempt at any Authentic Self creative expression and forward movement, gets trumped and blocked because – as Marianne Williamson says in the statement above – we feel our lives are an either/or choice – that we must sacrifice one area in order to experience happiness in another.

This is not true but it feels true for many.

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