“Women are still in emotional bondage as long as we need to worry that we might have to make a choice between being heard and being loved.” ~Marianne Williamson

The common denominator in my work with clients is the consistent theme and pattern that I see with women who yearn to have a voice in the world – to do great work – to be more seen and heard, and to make a difference – yet in their quest to expand and evolve and become more creatively self expressed, there is a holdback – a limit – a fear.

And, after some deeper inquiry, this hold-back boils down to a fear of not wanting to be seen as: bold, full of themselves, arrogant, and conceited.

Therefore, any attempt at any Authentic Self creative expression and forward movement, gets trumped and blocked because – as Marianne Williamson says in the statement above – we feel our lives are an either/or choice – that we must sacrifice one area in order to experience happiness in another.

This is not true but it feels true for many.

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Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs

In order to live the life you were designed to live , it’s critical to understand yourself at the deepest level.

Recently I read a passage by the author Pamela Field in her book: A Woman Who Dreams Herself that: “We have two lives that run parallel with each other: the life we’ve inherited, and the life our Higher Self (a.k.a. our soul) has planned for us. And, at any moment, we can decide to change tracks.”

Have you ever thought of it that way? That there is the life that was passed onto you without any conscious choice – and then there is the life that is imbedded deep within your soul – like a blueprint – that has the plans on where YOU are meant to go and what you’re meant to do.

As I mentioned in the previous article: Carried Shame and Worthiness, oftentimes we don’t realize that if you’re stuck, or feeling a certain way about yourself, or doubting your abilities, etc. – it’s oftentimes a result of you holding onto someone else’s “stuff” and you holding onto shame that wasn’t yours to begin with.

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“If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.” ~Johann von Goethe

In order to live the life you were designed to live , it’s critical to understand yourself at the deepest level.

Yet, most of us were taught to cover-up the core of who we are in order
to be accepted by others in both our original family of origin, and our peer groups growing up.

Becoming who you were designed to be is a courageous act because it requires you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It requires you to understand that not everyone is going to approve of what you do and who you commit to becoming.

That’s okay, people pleasing is so out-dated.

The most important and courageous act in being your own person is: accepting and loving ALL parts of yourself first and foremost. The parts that you honor and cherish and the parts that you’d rather not look at for fear that they are unacceptable.

I believe we spend way too much time trying to be perfect than being who we’re meant to be.

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“Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness.” ~Ram Dass

In my work with people, the best way I can describe them hovering over a worth issue is when they know what it is that they truly desire and want – yet they struggle with a hold-back – a block of not being able to experience it – and they have no idea why.

The best analogy I heard for this was described by Debbie Ford in one of her books where she said (which I’ll paraphrase): The feeling is like being stuck in a glass capsule. On the outside you can see what it is that you desire. You are close enough to almost touch and taste it – but you’re just far enough away to fully grab on and claim it as yours.

Can you relate with this glass capsule feeling in your own life? Where you desire something to change whether it’s in your work, your relationship(s) or in how you live – but you know you’re hovering over a worth issue, and aren’t really sure what to do with it?

If you can relate, something to consider when it comes to your worthiness challenges is the concept of carried shame.

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“Dwell in possibility” ~Emily Dickinson

When you make the all important decision to live the life you’re destined to live, you will go through a myriad of emotions. One biggie of an emotion is the “should-a, could-a, would-a” effect – where you feel “if only” I had done this – or “if only” they had done that – or “if only” it could of worked out this way.

Having regrets about your past and/or present circumstances, not only hold you back from manifesting your highest vision, but regrets also drain your energy and keep you steeped in old self-defeating programming and patterns.

To regret is to feel a sense of loss, disappointment, and an overall dissatisfaction with a decision or circumstance in your life. These feelings, if you explore them, most likely are repeats of the past and reminders of false beliefs that you aren’t worthy, that you can’t have what you want, and that your dreams will never manifest.

Sound familiar?

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>”Having a vision for your life allows you to live out of hope, rather than out of your fears.” ~ Stedman Graham

Lately I’ve been finding myself talking more and more about the fact that having clarity on what it is that you really, really want, is extremely underrated.

It’s interesting to see the resistance that crops up when I encourage clients to start with the end in mind – to step back, take some time out, and get clear on what it is that they would really like to see happen – BEFORE we begin to put the action pieces in place.

At first glance, I used to think that the resistance that folks have to the visioning process had to do with them just wanting to get started with the action pieces because they value feeling productive above anything else.

And even though the need to feel productive still tends to trump the creative process of visioning, I’ve found another reason folks resist the visioning process – and this reason boils down to plain ol’ FEAR & Self-Doubt

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“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.” ~Author Unknown

Each day the past tries to creep into all of our minds and remind us of all the reasons why we can’t have what we truly desire or why we can’t be truly happy.

This can show up when you go to dream about a new adventure or endeavor and begin to consider the possibility of it actually happening. And before you know it, your inner critic is right there to remind you of all the reasons why it won’t work.

I remember a time in my life where I didn’t know the difference from my inner critic voice and the voice of my soul. I remember having dreams and things I wished to do, but having this voice inside tell me it will never happen so don’t bother trying.

It wasn’t until I worked with a coach who understood the critical importance of the “inner work”, that I began to compartmentalize my inner critic voice and realize that it wasn’t all of me, it was a part of me, but not all of me.

This revelation of compartmentalizing my inner critic voice from the voice of my heart was huge because I learned how-to deal with it when it cropped up.

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Last Wednesday morning, I hit the highway to drop off my laptop to get some repairs.  As I sat in the early morning traffic, my mind was flooded with memories from my former corporate days.

As I looked ahead of me at all the traffic, I remembered all the mornings, and evenings, I’d spent in sitting in my car- feeling like I wasting my life away.

I always remember looking around – trying to catch the eye of other people in their cars – wondering if they were thinking what I was:  “What are we all following each other to?  What are we chasing?”

When I was in corporate I always felt like an outcast. Come to think of it, my whole life I felt like an outcast – a black sheep – someone who always got into trouble for drawing outside the lines, not fitting into a mold, or box, wanting things to be different, and searching for an escape hatch – a place where I could find a blank canvas to draw-out that vision.

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“Life is accepting what is and working from that.” ~Gloria Naylor

Accepting “what is” is probably the hardest thing for us to do. Afterall, isn’t the purpose of life to change what is?

Unconsciously – the collective belief “out there” in our world is to constantly change and improve our circumstances, ourselves, relationships, etc – whatever it is – we are taught that it isn’t good enough as is.

We are taught through a variety of mediums (especially advertisers), that we must change in order to be happier, fulfilled and living the good life.

But is that true? Is it true that your happy life and great future exist somewhere out there – in fantasy land?

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom.” ~~ Anais Nin

The first inclination when you feel like you’re stuck in a rut and lacking all motivation to do anything is to – get out of this state quickly! The feelings that arise when you’re stuck are very uncomfortable and almost unbearable because they go against your character and who you know yourself to be.

If you identify yourself with being a can-do, go-getter, overachiever who has a track-record of getting things done – then being stuck in a rut is probably the worst feeling you could feel. It goes against the grain of everything you know about yourself and it hits hard to your identity and how you see yourself – and, where you source your value.

Imagine for a moment that you source your value and self-worth from giving.

Consider that you may get a hit of adrenaline every time you accomplish, give, or prove that you’re valuable by doing or giving – whether it’s to someone or something – it feels good to get it done or provide because it feeds something in you – albeit temporarily.

Yet, at the same time, you may feel resentful and not know why. You may wonder why it seems that you never get back what you give. You may begin to get angry but have no idea why you’re angry. You may begin to feel sad and not know why. Pretty soon you find yourself not only sad, but stuck in a full-blown rut and have no idea how you got here.

Sound familiar?

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